These days I often get lost between anger and surrender. There are simply certain pains that have no cure, and which persist and just won’t go away. There are hurts that no matter how hard you try to block out just keep throbbing within your heart.
I want to say I am on the road to forgiveness but I am taking such tiny steps in this journey. I have barely moved. Perhaps I am just not as big-hearted as I thought I was. I am only human after all.
Choices have been made, and I, too, made mine. A dear and older friend told me to do what’s best for me. Life has taught me a lot in the last two years, and one of the most direct lesson I have learned is that “What’s best for me” isn’t always the easiest nor does it equate to “happy” in the first person. But in the final analysis, we define what makes us happy and we see that it isn’t always defined from a first person perspective. It might be tied to or embodied by another’s happiness.
What is it that matters the most? Some of us start with ourselves. Some of us look to another. I look to my son. He us the biggest inspiration in my life and the reason I keep praying to God for strength. I hold him as he sleeps and I feel a sense of being worth something because he looks at me and tells me he loves me.
So I ignore the fact that just turning around and walking out the door would mean less pain for me. Because I know it would mean his heartbreak.
People say I should think of my happiness– but his happiness is MY happiness. I can never be truly happy knowing he is not. I have heard it said that at his age he will bounce back and cope but as a mother, I don’t see the logic of letting him suffer if there is a way to keep his heart whole. If he is whole, I am whole.
Others may see life differently, sacrificing their children’s happiness for their own. It is brave to throw all caution to the wind to seek your happiness no matter the cost — but it is braver to choose your child’s happiness over your own and put parenthood first before yourself.
I wish I were like his mistress who nonchallantly left her son to her husband’s care all those times she was with my husband. I think about trying to be that kind of a person but I cannot be a mother and be as selfish as that, too. I told my husband that she will never understand his choice of keeping our family whole instead of choosing to be with her because they didn’t share the same values. Otherwise, how else would she have been so brazen as to put her son and her paramour together, and her husband and her paramour together at gatherings?
Life is short– that is true. All the more reason for me to make the most of what time I have with my son and to give it my best shot. That is also the reason why I am trying to make my way to start this journey of forgiveness. I want the anger to go away. I wish the nightmare I’ve been living will turn out to be but another bad dream I can wake up from.
I just wish it were easier to undo all that has happened that has caused me so much pain. But there is no undoing what has been done. I have to cope with the numbness in my heart. I have to find a reason to be hopeful again. And that is my struggle right now.
She is like a shadow hanging over my shoulder, constantly reminding me of the sins that have been committed against me. I feel like what she has broken in me I cannot put together again. I want to let go of the evil thoughts in my heart and my mind and block her out but she is etched in a dark, dark place in my heart. She is a big rock in my way which I cannot go over or around to get past.
I have been told it will take time. So in the meantime, agony.