My Weary Heart

"It's complicated" as they would say

Archive for the tag “mistress”

A year ago today

.. you got a $1300 watch as payment for being my husband’s mistress. The therapist tells me you got the perk as part of his trying to keep you “happy” being in the difficult situation that you were in — his mistress.

And now he says you two are no longer together and no longer in touch, so I hope you’re enjoying your watch and wearing it as a constant reminder of how you were so brazen to think you could wreck my family.

WEAR IT AS YOUR BADGE OF SHAME. Payment for services rendered. And I heard you rendered them well.

That you lived a sham of a marriage which sees you in divorce court today was no excuse to stray into our lives. That our marriage was not perfect or that I had emotionally strayed was not a pass to ruin our lives either.

I told him you will never understand his choice to pick family over you. Even as you protested that he was getting old and would never be happy. Even as you proudly proclaimed that he would not be able to get anyone like you anymore. (Come on — even I, his wife, know that is just tooting your own horn beyond your true value. A 46 year old who has been sleeping around despite being married all this time even before he hooked up with you? You have quite the reputation at your place of work which was a shock to me considering I thought my husband was your first extra-marital affair. I guess he did, too. But apparently NOT.)

No, you cannot appreciate his putting his child’s happiness first — because you had always taken your son’s as second to yours. And even he now realizes that you two didn’t share the same family values — no matter how happy he might have thought he was with you.

How else would you have had the gall to spend all those nights out with my husband? Disappearing on weekends to getaways and expensive vacations? Because you had your husband to take care of your son. My husband had me.

And then the whole world changed when I found out and everything came out into the open.

I had let him go, you know. I had told him and I was ready to leave him. I had finally accepted three months into finding out the truth, that you had so entrenched yourself in his life that I was better off without you two in my son’s and mine.

It took a while for me to get there, but I did. And when I did, he asked to be taken back. He says he chose us. I guess he realized that he had something better than whatever it was you two had — even if it was because of my son that he came back. I can live with that. Can you?

Taking him back has been harder than letting him go. Even now, as we try to rebuild our lives, I think back to how much easier it would be to just try rebuilding my life without him. But unlike you, I have my son and my family to think about. I haven’t quite given up on that. We were nowhere near where your own family was even during the worst of times.

You had your fun. You have your watch and whatever else you smooched from my husband. You can keep them all along with the shame of knowing you were his mistress — his kabit — his kerida — and knowing your family knows the shame you have brought upon what was supposed to be an honorable name.

Worse, I know your son knows. That is punishment in itself — whatever your justification may be for taking up with men outside of your marriage. That is the price of your arrogance, and I don’t think even a $1300 watch would be worth that in exchange.

The road to forgiveness

These days I often get lost between anger and surrender. There are simply certain pains that have no cure, and which persist and just won’t go away. There are hurts that no matter how hard you try to block out just keep throbbing within your heart.

I want to say I am on the road to forgiveness but I am taking such tiny steps in this journey. I have barely moved. Perhaps I am just not as big-hearted as I thought I was. I am only human after all.

Choices have been made, and I, too, made mine. A dear and older friend told me to do what’s best for me. Life has taught me a lot in the last two years, and one of the most direct lesson I have learned is that “What’s best for me” isn’t always the easiest nor does it equate to “happy” in the first person. But in the final analysis, we define what makes us happy and we see that it isn’t always defined from a first person perspective. It might be tied to or embodied by another’s happiness.

What is it that matters the most? Some of us start with ourselves. Some of us look to another. I look to my son. He us the biggest inspiration in my life and the reason I keep praying to God for strength. I hold him as he sleeps and I feel a sense of being worth something because he looks at me and tells me he loves me.

So I ignore the fact that just turning around and walking out the door would mean less pain for me. Because I know it would mean his heartbreak.

People say I should think of my happiness– but his happiness is MY happiness. I can never be truly happy knowing he is not. I have heard it said that at his age he will bounce back and cope but as a mother, I don’t see the logic of letting him suffer if there is a way to keep his heart whole. If he is whole, I am whole.

Others may see life differently, sacrificing their children’s happiness for their own. It is brave to throw all caution to the wind to seek your happiness no matter the cost — but it is braver to choose your child’s happiness over your own and put parenthood first before yourself.

I wish I were like his mistress who nonchallantly left her son to her husband’s care all those times she was with my husband.  I think about trying to be that kind of a person but I cannot be a mother and be as selfish as that, too.  I told my husband that she will never understand his choice of keeping our family whole instead of choosing to be with her because they didn’t share the same values.  Otherwise, how else would she have been so brazen as to put her son and her paramour together, and her husband and her paramour together at gatherings?

Life is short– that is true. All the more reason for me to make the most of what time I have with my son and to give it my best shot. That is also the reason why I am trying to make my way to start this journey of forgiveness. I want the anger to go away. I wish the nightmare I’ve been living will turn out to be but another bad dream I can wake up from.

I just wish it were easier to undo all that has happened that has caused me so much pain. But there is no undoing what has been done. I have to cope with the numbness in my heart. I have to find a reason to be hopeful again.  And that is my struggle right now.

She is like a shadow hanging over my shoulder, constantly reminding me of the sins that have been committed against me.  I feel like what she has broken in me I cannot put together again.  I want to let go of the evil thoughts in my heart and my mind and block her out but she is etched in a dark, dark place in my heart.  She is a big rock in my way which I cannot go over or around to get past.

I have been told it will take time.  So in the meantime, agony.

 

Wishing for a kinder world

.. So others would not want or work to take others’ happiness so they could find some semblance if happiness for themselves.

While others might say that taking what belongs to another when they can’t have it through other means is human nature, it does not excuse wrecking a family to satisfy your selfish needs.

How true that money can’t buy happiness. For all their wealth, affluence and influence, her family — her father and her brother– cannot buy her the happiness she seeks. So they connive with her to steal my husband from me and my son.

Kindness and being kinder does not seem to be part of their vocabulary. So I seek a higher power to hang on to. Whatever happens, I know my God will hold my hand through the storm.

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