My Weary Heart

"It's complicated" as they would say

Archive for the tag “badge of shame”

A year ago today

.. you got a $1300 watch as payment for being my husband’s mistress. The therapist tells me you got the perk as part of his trying to keep you “happy” being in the difficult situation that you were in — his mistress.

And now he says you two are no longer together and no longer in touch, so I hope you’re enjoying your watch and wearing it as a constant reminder of how you were so brazen to think you could wreck my family.

WEAR IT AS YOUR BADGE OF SHAME. Payment for services rendered. And I heard you rendered them well.

That you lived a sham of a marriage which sees you in divorce court today was no excuse to stray into our lives. That our marriage was not perfect or that I had emotionally strayed was not a pass to ruin our lives either.

I told him you will never understand his choice to pick family over you. Even as you protested that he was getting old and would never be happy. Even as you proudly proclaimed that he would not be able to get anyone like you anymore. (Come on — even I, his wife, know that is just tooting your own horn beyond your true value. A 46 year old who has been sleeping around despite being married all this time even before he hooked up with you? You have quite the reputation at your place of work which was a shock to me considering I thought my husband was your first extra-marital affair. I guess he did, too. But apparently NOT.)

No, you cannot appreciate his putting his child’s happiness first — because you had always taken your son’s as second to yours. And even he now realizes that you two didn’t share the same family values — no matter how happy he might have thought he was with you.

How else would you have had the gall to spend all those nights out with my husband? Disappearing on weekends to getaways and expensive vacations? Because you had your husband to take care of your son. My husband had me.

And then the whole world changed when I found out and everything came out into the open.

I had let him go, you know. I had told him and I was ready to leave him. I had finally accepted three months into finding out the truth, that you had so entrenched yourself in his life that I was better off without you two in my son’s and mine.

It took a while for me to get there, but I did. And when I did, he asked to be taken back. He says he chose us. I guess he realized that he had something better than whatever it was you two had — even if it was because of my son that he came back. I can live with that. Can you?

Taking him back has been harder than letting him go. Even now, as we try to rebuild our lives, I think back to how much easier it would be to just try rebuilding my life without him. But unlike you, I have my son and my family to think about. I haven’t quite given up on that. We were nowhere near where your own family was even during the worst of times.

You had your fun. You have your watch and whatever else you smooched from my husband. You can keep them all along with the shame of knowing you were his mistress — his kabit — his kerida — and knowing your family knows the shame you have brought upon what was supposed to be an honorable name.

Worse, I know your son knows. That is punishment in itself — whatever your justification may be for taking up with men outside of your marriage. That is the price of your arrogance, and I don’t think even a $1300 watch would be worth that in exchange.

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