My Weary Heart

"It's complicated" as they would say

Welcoming the new year

It’s officially 2014 and I am not exactly banging pots and pans in celebration, but I am looking to 2014 with the hope that it will be better than the previous year.

While my challenges are far from over, I feel better equipped to deal with them now, after three months have passed since all these painful truths have been revealed. I haven’t quite found a steady ground to plant my feet on, but I can say that I have found a place of peace in prayer. I feel braver, no longer afraid.

I know that the evil surrounding me is no less threatening, and my private peace does not mean they have been conquered. But it means I am no longer afraid of the darkness.

I heard an emphatic message to stay. So stay I will. Fight for my son, I will. And whether or not in the end we remain a family, at least I know I fought to keep us whole.

He is still here with us but I don’t feel his heart is here. There has been so much deception that it is hard to give meaning to any statement or action beyond what it appears to mean on its face. My son and I returned from a 2 1/2 weeks vacation to a cold New York and an even colder home. I just took a deep breath and let it go.

I don’t know what the coming year holds for my son and I and his father. One thing I have learned in 2013 is not to dismiss something that has passed as the worst or the hardest, because that might yet to come. I made that mistake as I said goodbye to 2012 in 2013. I thought nothing could be worse, and I was proven wrong. Still it doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on any hope of “better”. I’m just bracing for “worse”.

Welcome, 2014. Here’s hoping this will be a better and kinder year.

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