My Weary Heart

"It's complicated" as they would say

Archive for the month “January, 2014”

Wishing for a kinder world

.. So others would not want or work to take others’ happiness so they could find some semblance if happiness for themselves.

While others might say that taking what belongs to another when they can’t have it through other means is human nature, it does not excuse wrecking a family to satisfy your selfish needs.

How true that money can’t buy happiness. For all their wealth, affluence and influence, her family — her father and her brother– cannot buy her the happiness she seeks. So they connive with her to steal my husband from me and my son.

Kindness and being kinder does not seem to be part of their vocabulary. So I seek a higher power to hang on to. Whatever happens, I know my God will hold my hand through the storm.

Welcoming the new year

It’s officially 2014 and I am not exactly banging pots and pans in celebration, but I am looking to 2014 with the hope that it will be better than the previous year.

While my challenges are far from over, I feel better equipped to deal with them now, after three months have passed since all these painful truths have been revealed. I haven’t quite found a steady ground to plant my feet on, but I can say that I have found a place of peace in prayer. I feel braver, no longer afraid.

I know that the evil surrounding me is no less threatening, and my private peace does not mean they have been conquered. But it means I am no longer afraid of the darkness.

I heard an emphatic message to stay. So stay I will. Fight for my son, I will. And whether or not in the end we remain a family, at least I know I fought to keep us whole.

He is still here with us but I don’t feel his heart is here. There has been so much deception that it is hard to give meaning to any statement or action beyond what it appears to mean on its face. My son and I returned from a 2 1/2 weeks vacation to a cold New York and an even colder home. I just took a deep breath and let it go.

I don’t know what the coming year holds for my son and I and his father. One thing I have learned in 2013 is not to dismiss something that has passed as the worst or the hardest, because that might yet to come. I made that mistake as I said goodbye to 2012 in 2013. I thought nothing could be worse, and I was proven wrong. Still it doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on any hope of “better”. I’m just bracing for “worse”.

Welcome, 2014. Here’s hoping this will be a better and kinder year.

The Serenity Prayer

Every morning, I start my day by saying this prayer to help me deal with my feelings. It ha helped me to start with my feet on the ground.

It has helped. And I find strength in its words.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

–Reinhold Niebuhr

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